I’m Good at Divorce

I am good at divorce—other people’s divorces. I am a divorce mediator, a listener, and a keeper of secrets.

Just as Janis and Damian state in Mean Girls the Musical, “She knows everything about everyone. That’s why her hair is so big. It is full of secrets.” If you know me, you know my hair can be quite tall.

Mediation is a space of spilled secrets, confessions, defenses, desires, and unsaid needs that came too late. It is a space that starts with masks of strength and attempts at manipulation, followed by anger, posturing, and later brokenness or redemption, and I have a front-row seat to it all.

Most of the time, divorcing parties are in two separate rooms, and I go back and forth between the rooms to negotiate the settlement. I hear the story in one room and then from the other perspective in the next room. The stories are often so different that I wouldn’t believe the people even knew each other if I had no context as the mediator.

The most profound example I experienced was a divorcing couple in their 70s who both proclaimed they did not want the divorce but that they were going through the process because that is what the other person wanted. The explanation went like this:

Him: “I love her. I don’t want a divorce, but a couple of years ago, we had a fight, and she told me that marrying me was a regret and that she wished she would have done things differently. I don’t want to keep her trapped if she doesn’t want to be here.”

Her: “I love him. I don’t want a divorce. A few years ago, we had been drinking, and we both said some mean things. Since then, he has brought up divorce a few times. I am giving him what he wants so he can move on and be happy.”

To add to this, he told me he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and had not told her because he did not want her to stay out of guilt to take care of or feel sorry for him. She told me of challenges she had been silently navigating with similar feelings of protecting the feelings of the other.

I got permission from each to share what the other said. Both were astonished, believing they were benevolent in freeing the other. Each permitted me to share their health and other challenges, respectively. Finally, we joined together in one room. Feelings were shared, clarification was made, and reparations were started. That’s the only mediation I have experienced that ended this way, not with a divorce, but a “we have a lot to talk about.” Last I heard, they remained married and cared for each other until life slipped away for one of them.

What would it be like to challenge what we believe is true in the stories we create in our minds? Our brain likes to fix things, takes fragments of conversations and observations, and fills in the blanks, often erroneously. Imagine using meta-cognition to think about what you think about and to challenge your thoughts.

Like the mediator who says, “Hmm…that’s interesting that you got that out of that conversation. How do you suppose you got from here to there from that statement?” Ask yourself that next time you spin up a story and sit with the answer and feeling.

I asked Chat-GPT for some wisdom on meta-cognition to share:

“We are all innate storytellers, crafting narratives from our experiences, thoughts, and emotions. But have you ever paused to think about the stories you tell yourself? Meta-cognition, or thinking about our thinking, offers a powerful tool to reshape these personal narratives, leading to profound personal and professional growth. Meta-cognition invites us to become mindful architects of our inner narratives. It's not merely about the stories we tell but how we interpret and engage with them. By becoming aware of and shaping our thought processes, we unlock the potential to live more intentional, fulfilled lives.”

Happy Friday, fellow mind-explorers.

Krista

Scott here. Krista is my best new friend as of 2023 and we are connected by having the same star dust in our DNA because we recognized each other immediately upon first glance. Photo below is of a dinner last night that was spiritual. We got to talk about the origins of Utah tech and then got in to deeper matters of the heart. Krista is the babe on the left who, with Trent And Brandon, made it all happen. Bunch of hotties last night who can cry together as grown-ass men and women.

SP

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